The more helpless you are, the safer you are from criminals.

by Pat Heyman | Aug 18, 2007 | Essays, Pat

• Gun safety courses in school only encourage kids to commit violence, but sex education in school doesn’t encourage kids to have sex.
• Rapists prefer to attack armed women so they can take the guns and use them against the victims.
• Car keys, umbrellas and hairspray are good tools for self-defense, despite the fact that police continue to carry guns.
• When someone dies because they couldn’t get a drug the government won’t approve, it’s tragic, but when someone dies because they couldn’t defend themselves with a gun the government won’t approve, that’s just life.
• A gun is merely an inadequate substitute for a penis, so when attacked by a mugger one should pull out a…
• That outlawing the carrying of guns will stop people from doing so, just as lowering the speed limit stops reckless driving.
• An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .44 Magnum will get angry over your retaliation and kill you.

These statements are part of Michael Williams incredibly precient treatise on things you have to believe in order to believe in gun control, or as P.J. O’Rourke would say, “It takes years of therapy to arrive at the liberal position that guilty criminals should not be killed, but innocent fetuses should.”

It’s amazing what one has to believe to believe in gun control

by Michael Z. Williamson

That incidents where people shoot criminals in self defense are very rare, and shouldn’t be used as excuses to own guns, just as incidents where presidential press secretaries are shot are very rare, and shouldn’t be used as excuses to ban guns.

That guns are the real cause of crime, but we will blame and jail the owner of said gun for the crime, even if the owner wasn’t the person involved.

That a mugger will kill you in the half-second it takes to draw from the holster, but won’t harm you while you dial 911 on your cell phone, talk to the dispatcher and wait half an hour for the cops to arrive.

That gun control works, which is why there are no illegal weapons in Northern Ireland or Beirut.

That the Second Amendment only applies to flintlocks, just as the First Amendment only applies to quills and lead type.

That the proper response to an attack is to call the police, but only unarmed police, because “Violence never settles anything.”

That it’s wrong to make snide, sexist comments about women, unless the comments are about women who own guns.

That a gun with an 11 round magazine is dangerous, but a gun with fifteen 10 round magazines is much safer.

That we should rehabilitate criminals and treat them as people, but never let them own guns, even if their crime was nonviolent.

That a hijacker could easily take a gun away from a pilot, but the hundreds of passengers aboard would then be unable to take the gun away from the hijacker.

That if there’d been a gun aboard American Airlines Flight 93, someone could have been hurt.

That pilots have enough to do in the cockpit, without having to worry about distractions like firearms to stop hijackers and fire extinguishers to stop fires, and these activities should be left to “trained professionals.”

That such “trained professionals” will only be available on one flight in five.

That rather than have the pilot risk human life by shooting at a hijacker, we should simply have the Air Force shoot down the plane, thus preserving life.

That rapists prefer to attack armed women so they can take the guns and use them against the victims.

That 1 firearm owner in 10,000 will commit an act of violence in his or her lifetime, and this is far more frightening than the 25% of drivers who will cause a serious or fatal accident.

That you should rely on police in lieu of your gun, just as you should rely on a dentist in lieu of your toothbrush.

That the press reporting a shooting is “responsible,” but failing to report that the shooter was stopped by an armed citizen is an attempt to prevent the “glamorization of guns.”

That car keys, umbrellas and hairspray are good tools for self-defense, despite the fact that police continue to carry guns.

That Washington DC’s low murder rate of 80.6 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, but Arlington, Virginia’s high murder rate of 1.6 per 100,000 is attributable to the lack of gun control.

That the depressed and emotionally disturbed should not be allowed to own guns that shoot bullets with 250 ft-lbs of energy, but should be allowed to own 4000 lb cars with 1,136,000 ft-lbs of energy (at 65 mph).

That “assault weapons” are “very powerful” but big game hunters oddly prefer .30-06s and .375 H&Hs.

That assault rifles are “underpowered” for hunting, but can “punch through police body armor.” More powerful hunting rifles, however, cannot.

That we should outlaw bullet proof vests so criminals can’t use them, and private citizens should be then proud to be killed in the crossfire, knowing they are doing their part for society.

That we don’t need the Second Amendment or arms to protect our Constitution, but should instead use the courts and the government system, just as we did in 1776.

That the lack of mention of guns in wills in colonial American cities proves that most Americans didn’t own them, just as the lack of mention of outhouses proves that most people squatted in the yard.

That this alleged lack of ownership is as relevant to the Second Amendment as the lack of interest in newspapers at the time was relevant to the First Amendment.

That among the hundreds of documented cases against anti-gun freaks we note that: the press secretary of Handgun Control was arrested in DC for discharging an illegal handgun, a ranking regional officer of the Million Moron March was convicted of felony assault, and other Million Morons in Colorado have been arrested for attacking firearm dealers and activists, but “gun nuts” are “obsessed with violence.”

That the laws against specifically named weapons have been found unconstitutional, that the laws against “types” of weapons have been considered vague, that the laws against cosmetic features are easy to comply with and still produce the identical mechanism, and that laws against particular mechanisms are unconstitutional is an indication of the “obsessiveness” of firearms enthusiasts to do what they enjoy doing, against the wishes of the narrow minded prudes who wish to stop them, and not an indication of the obsessiveness of the ignorant paranoids who fear them.

That NASA, the military, physiologists, anatomists and trainers all agree and Olympic scores confirm that men on average have tremendously more upper body strength than women, but women should try to defend themselves with martial arts and not a gun.

That according to investigative reports, alarm systems are expensive, often easily defeated, and the alarm company may not respond for three hours, even then only driving by rather than stopping, but an alarm system is a more reliable means of protecting the home than a firearm.

That less guns in an altercation is a good thing, so you should not be armed against a criminal to keep yourself safe.

That rather than spend a few hundred dollars on a firearm and an afternoon learning how to use it, one should instead spend thousands of dollars and several years learning a martial art, so you’ll be well-prepared to fight anyone, as long as they’re in your gender division and weight class.

That it’s terrible when police officers plant weapons on a suspect to enable them to make an arrest, but we should have tougher laws against weapons and trust the police not to abuse them in this way.

That police arriving at 80mph are a better way to stop criminals than bullets arriving at 800mph.

That because of the bombing at Oklahoma City and the knife-point hijacking on September 11, we should take guns away from people who weren’t involved.

That a police officer under 21 shouldn’t be able to buy a gun for off duty use, because his competence depends on that blue jacket.

That people buy guns as “substitute penises,” because they know that only people with small penises ever get attacked by criminals.

That Hitler and Stalin didn’t disarm citizens, only Jews, Gypsies, gays, unionists and other “undesirables.” (Yes, a liberal member of the MMM actually said this in the Washington Post, quoting www.potomac-inc.org.)

That to properly understand Nazi gun control, one must consider the “legitimate fears” they had of the Jewish population. (This was another self-proclaimed liberal. I’m beginning to wonder.)

That families with children should not be allowed to own guns for safety reasons, just as they aren’t allowed to own dogs, power tools, or toxic chemicals.

That it’s wrong to destroy someone’s life over an administrative crime by jailing them and impoverishing their family, unless that crime is owning a gun.

That a law that allows someone to keep doing “X” that has been legal for years, in the face of another, badly written law that says they can’t do “Y”, is a “loophole.”

That it’s wrong to politicize that the World Trade Center attackers didn’t need guns to hijack a plane, but okay to politicize that the Columbine killers bought guns…illegally.

That when someone dies because they couldn’t get a drug the government won’t approve, it’s tragic, but when someone dies because they couldn’t defend themselves with a gun the government won’t approve, that’s just life.

That a criminal is somehow more of a threat to a cop than to a regular person, so police need guns and regular citizens don’t.

That guns are a symbol of white male oppression, and we should address this by banning inexpensive guns that are available to poor minorities, guns with less than 6 lbs trigger pull which are useable by females and smaller men, require special storage and licensing fees to stop “those people” from affording them, require proof of “need” such as political connections or large acreage or the money to go on expensive safaris, and all this will stop those evil white males.

That governments should maintain the “legitimate monopoly of force,” because the American Revolutionaries, the Maquissards, the Israelis in Palestine and the Northern Alliance in Afghanistan were “illegitimate,” but Hitler, Mao, Pot, Mussolini and Stalin were “legitimate.”

That the “Reasonable” uses for guns are hunting and target shooting, but not self-defense. In other words, it’s acceptable to use them as toys but not as lifesaving devices.

That .50 caliber rifles are both “very rare” and “selling like hotcakes.”

That the fact that .50 caliber rifles are very rare justifies banning them, just as the rarity of Lamborghinis and other high-performance cars justifies banning them.

That one has the moral obligation to make a citizen’s arrest when one sees a felony in progress, and that it should be accomplished by yelling at the perpetrator, “Stop! Or I’ll yell ‘stop’ again!” rather than by drawing a weapon.

That intelligent people should support gun control because they realize they are too stupid to be trusted with guns.

That a gun is merely an inadequate substitute for a penis, so when attacked by a mugger one should pull out a…

That a gun is a symbolic penis…what this has to do with defending one’s life I have no idea. It simply serves to prove that anti-defense psychiatrists clearly have Freudian issues that THEY need to address.

That if honest people give up their weapons, the criminals and dictators will give up theirs, as Chicago street gangs and Hitler have demonstrated.

That only the government should control guns, just as only the government should control broadcasting, and only the government should control religion.

That an actor from Hollywood who points a gun at friend and foe without discrimination, who keeps the finger on the trigger with no target, who fires a handgun on its side, who fires two guns akimbo, who tries to shoot a single-action pistol with a lowered hammer, and who fires 60 shots from a 30-round magazine, should be taken as an expert on the subject.

That “reasonable licensing fees” will stop casual ownership of guns, but anyone who would jump through hoops to own a gun is obsessive.

That outlawing the carrying of guns will stop people from doing so, just as lowering the speed limit stops reckless driving.

That we should deal with the problem of criminals using illegal weapons by taking lawful weapons away from honest people.

That we should ban guns-if it saves even one life, it’s worth it, just as we should ban assemblies where people might be trampled to death-if it saves just one life, it’s worth it, and we should ban speech by groups who offend public order-if it saves just one life, it’s worth it, and we should ban unhealthy foods-if it saves just one life, it’s worth it, and…

That anyone convicted of domestic violence should not be allowed to handle guns, unless that criminal is “Marky” Mark Wahlberg handling guns in “Planet of the Apes.”

That rifles are useless in a world of fighter planes and nukes, just as automobiles are useless in a world of 747s.

That sky marshalls, who are present on less than 10% of all flights, are a good solution to hijacking, but armed pilots, who would be present on every flight, are not.

That a pilot might accidentally shoot a .38 caliber hole in a plane, thus somehow mysteriously causing 10,000 cubic feet of air to disappear in a moment, or hitting a vital electrical wire that was somehow not safely duplicated by another, despite federal requirements to that effect, but a “Trained Air Marshall” won’t do this even when in the stress of battle against a hijacker.

That pilots might accidentally shoot a hole in the skin of an airliner (see above), so shouldn’t have guns, and if the terrorists start banging away, we’ll just have to hope for the best.

That pilots shouldn’t be armed because they aren’t trained for use of weapons, but may use violent maneuvers that they aren’t trained for to somehow magically secure a hijacker they can’t see in his seat.

That a .38 caliber bullet might destroy an airliner, but violent maneuvers won’t rip the wings off.

That a pilot shooting through a small cockpit door at an incoming hijacker migh somehow fail to put any bullets into him, but a 110 lb flight attendant will easily get close enough to tackle a hijacker and use a stun gun.

That a terrorist might masquerade as a “Trusted Traveler,” hoping to be the only such person aboard with a firearm, but would never be able to impersonate a law enforcement official or get a job as a pilot.

That a pilot is not trained in dealing with terrorists, so should stay in the cockpit. Instead, it’s up to the flight attendants and passengers to deal with the situation. After all, they ARE trained professionals.

That it’s just a matter of time until another hijacking takes place, and there’s nothing we can do about it, and no, you can’t carry a gun.

That many “supporters of Second Amendment rights” endorse “reasonable gun control,” just like many “supporters of First Amendment rights” endorse “reasonable media control.”

That keeping a gun for self-defense implies a desire to shoot someone, just as keeping matches and having homeowner’s insurance implies a desire to be an arsonist.

That a punk wakes up one morning, and thinks, “Gee, instead of robbing, raping, sodomizing and killing a young woman, why don’t I turn my $400 gun in for $20 and a pizza and go work at McDonald’s?”

That the more helpless you are, the safer you are from criminals.

That you should give a mugger your wallet, because he doesn’t really want to shoot you and he’ll let you go, but that you should give him your wallet, because he’ll shoot you if you don’t.

That despite all the outrage about Corporate America’s cavalier treatment of employees, Domino’s Pizza’s demand that employees be unarmed is an altruistic effort to stop them from hurting themselves, and not a calculated financial bid to avoid having a lawsuit filed by a dead robber’s family.

That gun owners are “potential terrorists,” because they have all the necessary equipment, just like Sarah Brady is a “potential hooker,” because she has all the necessary equipment.

That one can sue a store for having a slick floor, falling ceilings, and sharp corners, but if they refuse to let you bring a gun in and you get shot by a criminal, they aren’t liable for enforcing that rule with others.

That there is no right of self defense, and the police are not legally obligated to respond to my cries for help when disarmed, but you can sue them if they take too long to get to a traffic accident.

That arming police just “escalates the violence,” so to be really effective, we should ban the use of nightsticks by the police. In fact, we should ban the police. If they didn’t exist, the criminals wouldn’t need to be armed. In fact, we shouldn’t have locks on doors, because that just encourages forcible entry.

That assault rifles are far too powerful to hunt deer and elk, and too dangerous for private citizens to own, but are too impotent for modern warfare, too weak to reliably kill soldiers, and have no place in the concept of a citizen reserve.

That there’s no incongruity in claiming the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $25 .22 caliber pocket pistol, and claiming the preferred weapon of a drug dealer is a $2000 machinegun in the same piece of propaganda.

That any cheap weapon is a “Saturday night special,” and any expensive weapon is an “assault weapon.”

That “Cops” and other shows are edited to show the boring encounters with traffic stops and the occasional drunken fool with a revolver in his pocket, and never show the millions of cases where the cops are gunned down in droves by machinegun toting drug dealers.

That “NYPD Blue” and “Miami Vice” are documentaries.

That an intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .44 Magnum will get angry over your retaliation and kill you.

That firearms in the hands of private citizens are the gravest threat to world peace, and China, Pakistan and Korea can be trusted with nuclear weapons.

That Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit.

That ordinary people, in the presence of guns, turn into slaughtering butchers, and revert to normal when the weapon is removed.

That someone who fails to clear his weapon, fails to point it in a safe direction, pulls the trigger without checking the chamber, and blows his foot off is an example of how even a “trained professional” can be a “victim” of a diabolical gun, but people in the military who clean weapons millions of times a year without getting hurt are “dumb grunts.”

That the New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns, just as Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.

That one should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a neurosurgeon for spinal paralysis, a computer programmer for Y2K problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise.

That modern design firearms contain features such as box magazines and fiberglass stocks, which were designed for military use and shouldn’t be available to civilians, just as modern design automobiles contain features such as rack and pinion steering and McPherson struts, which were designed for the race track and shouldn’t be available to civilians.

That rifles such as AR-15s, AK-47s and L1-A1s were designed for military shooting and shouldn’t be available to civilians, just as vehicles like Chevrolet Suburbans, Jeeps, and Land Rovers were designed as weapons platforms and military utility and shouldn’t be available to civilians.

That the best way to avoid an accidental shooting is to stay completely ignorant of guns and never go near them, just like the safest way to avoid an accidental drowning is to stay completely ignorant of swimming and never go near water.

That the best thing our kids can do to bullies and drug dealers is “just say no,” and fight back, and the best thing we can do to muggers and thugs is to give them $50 and wait for them to go away.

That it’s outrageous that the Milwaukee police took 45 minutes to respond to reports of Jeffrey Dahmer’s last victim running around naked in the cold, then returned him to his attacker without checking ID, but the best thing a citizen can do in an emergency is dial 911.

That the “right of the people peaceably to assemble,” the “right of the people to be secure in their homes,” “the enumeration herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people,” “The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people,” refer to individuals, but “the right of the people to keep and bear arms” refers to the states.

That the 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1791, allows the states to have a National Guard, created by act of Congress in 1916.

That the National Guard, paid by the federal government, occupying property leased to the federal government, using weapons owned by the federal government, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a state agency.

That despite the 1990 case Minnesota Gov. Rudy Perpich vs. Department of Defense, where the Supreme Court ruled specifically that the National Guard is under federal orders and the state governor cannot object, the National Guard is still, in fact, a state militia.

That private citizens can’t have handguns, because they serve no militia purpose, even though the military has hundreds of thousands of them, and private citizens can’t have assault rifles, because they are military weapons.

That it is reasonable for California to have a minimum 2 year sentence for possessing but not using an assault rifle, and reasonable for California to have a 6 month minimum sentence for raping a female police officer.

That it is reasonable in California to get two years in jail for a serious crime such as possessing but not using a weapon, and probation for a minor crime such as molesting your children.

That it is reasonable to jail people for carrying but not using guns, but outrageous to jail people for possessing marijuana.

That minimum sentences violate civil rights, unless it’s for possessing a gun.

That door-to-door searches for drugs are a gross violation of civil rights and a sign of Fascism, but door-to-door searches for guns are a reasonable solution to the “gun problem.”

That the first amendment absolutely allows child pornography and threats to kill cops, but doesn’t apply to manuals on gun repair.

That capital punishment is not a crime deterrent, but gun control is.

That a woman in a microskirt, perfume and a Wonderbra, without underwear, is a helpless victim, but someone getting paid $6 an hour to deliver the cash from a fast food place to the bank at the same time every night is, “asking for it.” And you won’t allow either of them to carry a gun.

That Illinois’ law that allows almost any government official from Governor to dogcatcher to carry a gun is reasonable, and the law that prohibits any private citizen, even one with 50 death threats on file and a million dollar jewelry business from carrying a gun is reasonable. And it isn’t a sign of police stateism.

That the 80 religious kooks in Waco were a threat to American security, but snipers killing them as they left the building, machinegunning children, hiding the video evidence, possibly torching the building on purpose, and having no case to present in federal court is good law enforcement. And it isn’t a sign of police stateism.

That free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self defense only justifies bare hands.

That with the above, a 90 LB woman attacked by a 300 LB rapist and his 300 LB buddy, has the “right” to kill them in self defense, provided she uses her bare hands.

That there’s nothing in the Constitution that specifically prohibits banning certain guns, but there is something in the Constitution that specifically prohibits banning certain sex acts.

That gun safety courses in school only encourage kids to commit violence, but sex education in school doesn’t encourage kids to have sex.

That a criminal will take a gun away from you and use it against you, so conversely, the best thing to do when threatened is to take the criminal’s gun away from him and us it against him.

That the ready availability of guns today, with only a few government forms, waiting periods, checks, infringements, ID, and fingerprinting, is responsible for all the school shootings, compared to the lack of school shootings in the 1950’s and 1960’s, which was caused by the awkward availability of guns at any hardware store, gas station, and by mail order.

That we must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time, but anyone who owns a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.

That there is too much explicit violence featuring guns on TV, but that cities can sue gun manufacturers because people aren’t aware of the dangers involved with guns.

That the gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign is responsible social activity.

That the crime rate in America is decreasing because of gun control, but the increase in crime requires more gun control.

That 100 years after its founding, the NRA got into the politics of guns from purely selfish motives, and 100 years after the Emancipation Proclamation, the black civil rights movement was founded from purely noble motives.

That statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control, and statistics that show increasing murder rates after gun control is legislated are “just statistics.”

That we don’t need guns against an oppressive government, because the Constitution has internal safeguards, so we should ban and seize all guns, therefore violating the 2nd, 4th, 5th and 9th Amendments of that Constitution, and won’t thereby become an oppressive government.

That guns are an ineffective means of self defense for rational adults, but in the hands of an ignorant criminal become a threat to the fabric of society.

That guns are so complex to use that special training is necessary to use them properly, but so simple to use that they make murder easy.

That guns contribute to high death rates and should be banned, but tobacco and alcohol are okay.

That guns cause crime, which is why there has never been a mass slaying at a gun show.

That guns cause crime, just like matches cause arson.

That guns cause crime, just like women cause prostitution.

That guns cause crime, just like men cause rape.

That guns aren’t necessary to national defense, which is why the US Army only has 3 million of them.

That banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns against armed criminals.

That women are just as intelligent and capable as men, but a woman with a gun is “an accident waiting to happen.”

That women are just as intelligent and capable as men, but gunmaker’s advertisements aimed at women are “preying on their fears.”

That a handgun, with up to 4 switches and controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile which only has 20.

That handguns are useful only for murder, which is why the police and military define them as defensive weapons.

That neighbors who carry guns against the occasional lunatic are paranoid, because of the perfectly justifiable fear that every single one of them is waiting to turn into a lunatic.

That a majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population used to support owning slaves.

That one should ignore as idiots politicians who confuse Wicca with Satanism and exaggerate the gay community as a threat to society, but listen sagely to politicians who can refer to a self-loading small arm as a “weapon of mass destruction” and an “assault weapon,” use the term “bullet casing,” don’t know the difference between a “clip” and a “magazine,” and can’t tell the difference between an AKM, an MAK-90, and an SKS.

That there is no absolute right to a weapon, documented historically because the British government used to prohibit Catholics from owning guns. And that wasn’t a sign of religious bigotry. (Note: the British Constitution actually RESTORED to Protestants the right to own arms, which Catholic James II denied them.)

That rifles with pistol grips are assault weapons, just like vehicles with racing stripes are sports cars.

That you don’t need a gun against invaders, because the government will know in plenty of time to issue you whatever weapons you need.

That Massachusetts is safer with bans on guns, which is why Teddy Kennedy has machinegun-toting guards.

That most people can’t be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by, because they can be trusted.

That a woman raped and strangled with her panties is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.

That Cary Nation, referring to wine and beer as “Demon Rum” and “Spirits” was an obvious kook, but Sarah Brady, and Diane Whinesteen referring to self-loading sporting rifles as “Military Assault Weapons” and “Weapons of Mass Destruction” are intellectuals.

That the “Right to keep and bear arms” refers to armorial badges and coats of arms, not to weapons. (Potomac-inc.org)

That guns should be banned because of the danger involved to the public, but live reporting from the battlefield, which can keep the enemy informed of troop deployments, getting thousands of troops killed and perhaps losing a war, is a protected act that CANNOT be compromised on.

That the right of explicit teenage pornographic websites to exist cannot be questioned because it is a constitutionally protected extension of the Bill of Rights, but the claim that handguns are for self-defense is merely an excuse, and not really protected by the Bill of Rights.

That the ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, but the NRA is bad because it defends other parts of the Constitution.

That a house with a gun is three times as likely to have a murder, just like a house with insulin is three times as likely to have a diabetic.

That police operate in groups with backup, which is why they need larger capacity magazines than civilians, who must face criminals alone, and therefore need less ammunition.

That we must ban the sale of guns through classified ads in newspapers, in case a terrorist sees the ad, flies halfway around the world, buys the gun and uses it to commit an act of terror, rather than using one of the millions of weapons left behind by “responsible” governments after their colonial excesses.

That calling 911 and asking them to send a man with a gun to protect you is good, but cutting out the middleman by protecting yourself is bad.

That people who own guns out of a fear of crime are paranoid, but people who don’t want other people to own guns in case it causes them to commit crimes are rational.

That guns cause the high suicide rate in the US, even though Japan’s rate is almost three times higher.

That we should ban gun stores near schools, because of all the 10 year olds who are buying guns without parents’ permission.

That there is a statue called “Armed Freedom” in the Capitol, but that that is irrelevant to the intent of our ancestors.

That we should ban “Saturday Night Specials” and other inexpensive guns because it’s not fair that poor people have access to guns too.

That guns have no legitimate use, but alcohol does, which is why we issue cops guns instead of beer.

That police and soldiers are the dregs of society who were unfit to get any real job, which perfectly qualifies them with the high moral standards and keen intellects to handle these complicated tools and be our guardians.

That it’s acceptable to arm a courier at $6 an hour to shoot criminals for stealing bank deposits, but unacceptable for a college-educated business owner to do it himself.

That a registration plan will reduce crime, because criminals will register their guns despite the Supreme Court decision Haynes v. U.S. (309 U.S. 85, 1968) that registration violates self-incrimination.

That it’s reasonable to require proof of a criminal act before an order of protection can be issued, but reasonable to assume anyone with a gun will commit a criminal act, so they should be subject to prior restraint.

That teaching abstinence exclusively rather than use of condoms is doomed to fail, but encouraging absolute bans on guns rather than education in safe use is the only acceptable method of reducing crime.

That it is outrageous that civilians have rifles that were designed for the military for their own self defense, but perfectly okay to have polluting, potentially unstable, heavy vehicles that were designed for the military simply as status symbols.

That guns are the gravest threat to society because 83,000,000 gun owners didn’t commit a crime yesterday.

That it is essential to incorporate locks and sensors into guns to make them safer and that only a criminal would not support this, but cops and federal agents would be exempt for safety reasons because locks are unreliable and hinder access.

That a bank guard can protect money with a gun, but you cannot protect your children with one.

That all gun dealers sell illegal weapons, just like all black people sell drugs.

That crime is higher in urban areas with less guns, and we must continue to disarm the minorities in these areas because of the risk of crime, and that isn’t bigotry.

That an underpaid, overworked bodyguard should be glad to throw himself in front of a bullet for you.

That your safety is someone else’s responsibility, but they have no right to tell you how to live your life.

That guns are useless against tyranny, because an armed populace of 160 million cannot defeat an army of 2 million mixed in among it. Oddly, the person claiming this has no credentials in strategic operations.

That if the above is true, we should not be terrified of the concept of that government holding control of our lives and freedom at its whim.

That the piecemeal destruction of the right to keep and bear arms makes the right useless, and therefore justifies destroying it further.

That one should be more afraid of one’s spouse blowing a gasket and shooting the children, than of those children being run over by a hormone-driven teenager in a car.

“It can’t happen here.”

That people are too stupid to handle guns, but are intelligent enough to vote.

That guns are not an effective means of self-defense, which is why police carry them.

That one can “study” the “gun issue,” but not know the difference between an assault rifle and a battle rifle.

That the NRA, with over 4 million members, is “out of touch” with America, and HCI, with 50 thousand members, is a “mandate from the people.”

That a baseball bat is good protection against a burglar, provided his gun fires baseballs.

That to judge a group by secondhand news and hearsay is bigotry, unless that group is the NRA.

That the National Defense Act of 1916 doesn’t exist.

That pricing products out of the reach of poor people through excessive regulation is discriminatory practice, unless that product is a gun.

That manufacturers are not responsible for damages caused by their products, unless that product is a gun.

That trigger locks and other devices make guns safer, which is why the police and military refuse to use them.

That registration of guns will help law enforcement, because that way they won’t need probable cause and a warrant to conduct a search.

That registration of guns, which makes their existence a matter of public knowledge under the FOIA, isn’t dangerous to owners.

That registration of guns, in violation of the McClure-Volkmer Act, and as declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court, is somehow still legal.

That the gun-toting rednecks at Saratoga and Yorktown caused the Revolution, and the British forces were intent on providing peace to North America.

That private citizens making private sales of private property is a “loophole.”

That the existence of weapons not banned by previous laws is a “loophole.”

That making it harder to get a license to sell firearms legally will reduce the number of people selling illegally.

That it’s safer to do nothing than resist with a gun, which is why the military wins so many wars by not fighting.

That we must close shooting ranges because of the noise, but ban silencers because they are quiet.

That owning a gun for self-defense indicates an intent to kill, just like owning a first aid kit indicates an intent to impersonate a physician.

That guns are an “epidemic” even though we can’t treat them with penicillin.

That there’s no right to own military weapons, which is why the Civilian Marksmanship Program at http://www.odcmp.com exists to sell military weapons to civilians under Congressional authority.

That suggesting teachers be armed is an outrageous suggestion for a “civilized” society, which is why the Swiss and Israelis do it.

That making it harder and harder for even cops to have guns on school property will somehow make it harder for lunatics to kill the utterly helpless students.

That accidents with a product justify banning the product, even though MADD has never called for a ban on alcohol, people actively push to legalize drugs, and no one wants to ban swimming pools, so basically it’s only practical items like guns we should ban and not the luxury items that are essential to human survival.

That a high percentage of immigrants own guns as an overreaction to the living conditions in their nations of origin, but the US should try to emulate those nations’ gun control and social policies.

That the 14th Amendment requires states to accept each other’s drivers licenses, even with age or vision requirement differences, marriage licenses even with age or relationship differences or if it’s a gay marriage, but somehow doesn’t apply to licenses to carry weapons.

That the same people who build illegal high-tech drug labs for less than $30,000 won’t build illegal low-tech gun shops for less than $10,000.

That people with large gun collections are dangerous, especially if they have more than two hands to shoot with.

That autoloaders are “easily converted” to fully automatic fire, yet the person telling you this has no idea how it’s accomplished.

That banning rifles with bayonet lugs will cut down on all the drive-by bayonetings.

That shooting at an intruder who smashes your door and enters with knife in hand will somehow “escalate the violence.”

That it’s safer with less guns, which is why lunatics shoot up schools instead of gun shows or police stations.

That guns cause crime, which is why there was no rape or murder in the Dark Ages.

That stopping the people who don’t commit murder from having guns will lessen the number of those who do commit murder.

That since banning a few guns hasn’t helped, we should ban more.

That just like the anti-nuclear weapons movement used to believe, if the potential victims disarm, the oppressors will take pity on them and give up their weapons in remorse.

That oppressing gun owners until they violate the law justifies oppressing them further.

That “crime guns” and old police guns should be destroyed at government expense, because the cost of exorcising the evil spirits from them before selling them to lawful owners is exorbitant.

That raising the legal age to possess firearms from 18 to 21 will REALLY show those 16 year olds.

That inner-city blacks in public housing should be disarmed to prevent crimes, but not rich white suburbanites. And it isn’t a sign of racism.

That creating firearms crime by having a Byzantine code of firearm laws proves there’s a problem, and justifies more laws to create more crime.

That liberal parents who give guns to problem children to “teach them responsibility” are not responsible for the deaths they cause, but everyone else’s guns are.

That gun owners are a threat by existing that must be destroyed by any means possible and their rights are unimportant, but the thugs who attack us on the street whom the gun owners wish to be armed against are simply a problem we have to put up with.

That one should judge all gun owners by the acts of a few criminals, just like one should judge all blacks by the acts of a few inner-city crack dealers.

That making it harder to get firearms legally will reduce their illegal use, just like making it harder to get a prescription will cut down on the illicit drug trade.

That it’s tragic when a child dies in a firearms accident, and we must pass restrictive laws to prevent it, but children poisoned by household chemicals are simply unavoidable accidents.

That you don’t need a gun, therefore no one needs one, and you have the right to impose that belief and will on others.

That stupidity can be cured by legislation.

That societies with less guns have less killings by guns, just like societies with less cars have less vehicular homicide. This is deemed to be relevant.

That criminals who rob to support their drug habit can afford $65 a minute in ammunition for their automatic “Weapon of choice.”

That with nationwide gun control, the entire nation can be as safe as NYC, LA and Chicago.

That since a gun isn’t 100% effective for self defense, you should get rid of it, along with your first aid kit and fire extinguisher, since they aren’t 100% effective, either.

That if a violent criminal enters your house, you should do nothing and wait for the police arrive, just as you’d do nothing for an injury or fire and wait for the fire truck or the ambulance.

That if Chicago were to legalize firearms, it would have shootouts in the streets, which never happens now.

That it’s wrong to use tax dollars to finance private political agendas, unless that agenda is to ban guns.

That a “safe gun” will help stop criminal misuse of firearms just like “safe sex” works so well to stop rape.

That a cop with felonies on his record is safe with fully automatic weapons but a churchgoing mother with a parking ticket as her worst crime is unfit to use a pistol to protect her child.

That a suicide who used a gun would still be alive if he or she had used a knife or hanged himself or herself.

That someone else’s suicide is a problem for the rest of us that would be prevented if we gave up our guns.

That alcohol is acceptable in private, as long as the user doesn’t use it while driving, but mere possession of a gun is a threat to others.

That gun owners are unwilling to compromise, which is why there are only 20,000 gun laws in the US.

That criminals are better shots than civilians because of all the time they spend on the practice range.

That since criminals are better shots by the logic above, one is safer by not shooting back, but just waiting for them to run out of ammo.

That it’s reasonable to assume an accident would have been lethal if the victim wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, and reasonable to assume that an armed defender would have been safe even if they didn’t have a gun.

That one accidental death is too many, but thousands of people dying because the means of self-defense were not available is unavoidable and not worthy of worry.

That we should ban guns because people have a “right to feel safe,” but the right to feel safe by owning firearms for defense is not valid.

That it’s outrageous to count 18 and 19 year-old parents as “children” for statistical purposes, but perfectly acceptable to count them as children for purposes of exaggerating gun deaths among “children.”

That a zero-tolerance policy is bad regarding drugs, but a zero-tolerance policy is good regarding guns.

That martial arts are a better form of self-defense, and can defeat an armed opponent, but we still need to ban guns because of the danger they present to those few people who don’t know karate.

That government officials can be trusted with automatic weapons, but private citizens cannot, because of the number of people private citizens kill while kicking in doors without search warrants.

That an 18 year old can handle a machinegun and die defending another nation’s oil reserves, thereby being a hero, but an 18 year old who tries to defend his or her child with a gun belongs in jail.

That the few people who can’t use martial arts or other non-lethal means of self-defense-the young, the old, the infirm, the disabled, the weak, the small, and the pregnant-are simply the necessary sacrifice we must make to criminals to avoid the risks of letting people be armed. This is not bigotry.

That the dangers of guns outweigh their recreational uses, unlike alcohol and motorcycles.

That getting rid of guns reduces violence, so the military should be armed with bouquets of flowers.

That we should hang out at funeral homes to tell the families of the deceased how lucky they are their loved one was killed by a drunk and not a man with a gun.

That a conservative with a dozen guns is an “extremist,” and a liberal with a dozen guns is a “museum.”

That a team of cops shooting an unarmed citizen 19 times and not getting charged with murder is “law enforcement” but an old lady shooting a knife-wielding attacker is “vigilanteism,” and we should leave defense to the professionals.

That we should require trigger locks and safe storage facilities for all guns in order to prevent accidents, just like we require all household chemicals to be kept in a locked cabinet.

That a woman shooting a rapist is a felon.

That NORML is good for supporting legalization of a politically unpopular product, but the NRA is bad for supporting legalization of a politically unpopular product.

That poor people who live in high crime areas and can’t afford alarms shouldn’t be allowed to have guns either.

That telling a murderer he’ll go to jail for carrying a gun will make him think twice.

That the only way to end gun violence is to ban guns, just like the only way to end medical malpractice is to ban doctors.

That killing a triple murderer so you don’t become the fourth victim is “escalating the violence.”

That we should get rid of “junk guns” so that criminals are forced to use reliable high-quality guns.

That repealing laws that discriminate against gun-owners “endorses” guns, just like repealing laws that discriminate against gays “endorses” homosexuality.

That guns are designed only to kill, just like women are designed only to give birth.

That only people over 21 are allowed to defend themselves.

That we should ban guns because their primary purpose is to kill people, but we shouldn’t ban alcohol, which has its primary purpose getting intoxicated and losing control of the higher faculties, thereby increasing violence and accidental death.

That according to “Professor” Michael Bellesiles, the lack of mention of firearms in Colonial literature proves their scarcity, much like the lack of mention of outhouses proves their scarcity.

That somehow the above is more relevant to the 2nd Amendment than the lack of letters to public officials and newspapers is relevant to the 1st Amendment.

That a person who would commit violence with a gun would never do so with a knife.

That most people are seething cauldrons of potential violence who cannot be trusted with a gun, but most people are so decent that there is no need to carry a weapon for defense.

That a person foolish enough to leave a gun loaded and lying in reach of a child will somehow be responsible enough to attach a trigger lock.

That 83 million gun owners are “extremists,” and the 50,000 members of the Million Moron March are “the majority.”

That allowing concealed carry does not reduce crime through deterrence since some people do so even though it’s illegal, but allowing concealed carry increases crime, because more people carry guns and use them irresponsibly. (Brady Bunch)

That a woman buying a gun to defend herself against a violent ex needs five days to “cool off.”

That a woman being raped should refuse help from an armed stranger, and instead wait for the police.

That if the Million Moron March protesters feels threatened, they should ask police with guns to protect them while they tell everyone how worthless guns are for protection.

That a trauma surgeon’s experience in treating gunshot wounds makes him an expert on gun control legislation, just like an automobile body repair technician’s experience repairing cars makes him an expert on traffic laws.

That the typical town only needs one law enforcement officer per 1000 population, because most people are law abiding, but that it’s dangerous to let citizens carry weapons because most people are criminal.

That the risk of arrest for carrying a weapon on school grounds will stop a person bent on suicide from starting a shootout.

That felons should be denied the right to ever own a weapon, just like rapists should be castrated before being released from jail.

That the 1939 US vs Miller case, is “established law” that endorses gun control and the matter is closed, just like Plessy vs Ferguson endorsed “separate but equal” schools and the matter is closed.

That game wardens have the most dangerous job in the world, because everyone they deal with is armed.

That there’s no risk of the US becoming a police state, Japanese-Americans were not interned in the 40’s, blacks were not oppressed and jailed in the 50’s, and no students were killed at Kent State.

That when the government promises that they won’t confiscate our weapons after we register them, we can believe them, as did the Commanche, the Sioux, the Apache, the Kaw, the Cree, the Blackfoot, the Italians in NYC, the Jews in Germany, the Zulu in South Africa…and the Americans at Lexington and Concord.

That the government can control guns as well as it controls drugs.

That the high crime rate in cities with oppressive gun control proves the need for gun control in cities without gun control and with low crime.

That Charlton Heston, as president of the NRA, must be a racist, despite his marches with Dr. King in the 1960s. After all, all gun owners are racist, and that theory isn’t bigoted.

That we don’t need guns because America is safe, and only criminals or people wishing to start trouble would be out late at night in bad neighborhoods.

That according to Diane Whinestein, there is no left-wing conspiracy to send police and troops to imprison American gun owners, but there is a vast, right-wing conspiracy of gun owners who must be disarmed for attempting to stop it.

That .50 caliber weapons must be banned in case Americans use them to shoot holes in the armored cars that the government doesn’t own and isn’t going to send against them, also according to Diane Whinestein.

That ships using Australian waters mustn’t carry handguns against the mythical threat of piracy or mutiny, because some aspiring captain might sell them for a few bucks.

That gang punks shot by other gang punks are innocent victims, and babies shot by government agents deserve to die because of the unpopular beliefs of their parents.

That allowing the poor and minorities to defend themselves is Fascist.

That small arms can’t win wars, as all the Viet Cong bombing, air superiority, and naval missions prove.

That John Wayne, rejected by the Marines for bad knees, who portrayed firearms as used by soldiers and law enforcement is a draft-dodging agent of evil, but antigun draft dodger Sylvester Stallone, making movies about Vietnam veterans and using weapons gratuitously, is an American hero to be slobbered over.

That violence is bad, but any defensive use of a firearm that doesn’t involve the death of the perpetrator is invalid.

That the NRA is bad for running political activities, but the Million Moron March, stealing money from AIDS research, illegally maintaining tax-exempt status as a 501c(3) organization and fraudulently using a hospital rent-free as its headquarters is good for running political activities.

That Charlton Heston is evil for working for the NRA for free, but Sarah Brady charging $10,000 a speech is a paragon of altruism.

That a ranch rifle made after 1994 is somehow a military rifle.

That all firearms retailers are illegal gun dealers, just like all pharmacists are illegal drug dealers.

That hate is not a family value, but all gun owners are tobacco-chawin’, beer-swillin’, racist, redneck bubbas.

That a gun which sits silently in a drawer and costs pennies per round to shoot is a bad idea for self defense, but a dog that requires walks, veterinary care, and licenses, may not be allowed in certain neighborhoods and may annoy the neighbors at all hours is a good idea for self defense.

That the worst thing one can do if there’s an intruder in the house is get a gun and apprehend them, and the best thing on can do is pretend to be asleep and wait for them to go away, especially if they are raping your children.

That gun control will “keep guns out of the wrong hands,” meaning law-abiding Americans’ hands.

That trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why it makes sense that police officers are exempt from using them on their duty weapons.

That the government attempting to stop the Microsoft “monopoly” is good, and the Federal government pressuring cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson is also good, and not monopolistic.

That “assault weapons” have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people, which is why the police need them.

That “assault weapons” are only designed for killing offensively, and the police need them but you do not.

That citizens don’t need to carry a gun for personal protection but desk-bound police administrators who work in a building filled with cops do, as do tax auditors, vegetable inspectors, mail inspectors, and meat inspectors.

That beer-gutted police have special mental, emotional and physical capabilities that enable them to deal with the incredible complexity of a firearm, and private citizens can never hope to achieve such competence.

That the Brady Act and the “Assault Weapons” Ban which both went into effect in 1994 are responsible for the decrease in violent crime rates since 1991, and since 2004 when the AWB expired.

That 25% of the dealers at gun shows are unlicensed, and we must license these purveyors of books, tools, knives, clothing, artwork, candy and historical artifacts.

That because of New York’s “tough laws” against guns, there exist black market dealers who spend thousands of dollars in gas and other expenses to drive to Arizona, which has “weak laws” in order to buy Ruger pistols at $500 each retail and drive back to New York and sell them to criminals at an “average” of $50 each, thereby making a profit. (Brady Bunch)

That there’s no contradiction in the same liberals who said in the 60s that 18 year olds who could fight should be able to vote, now saying that 18 year olds can vote but shouldn’t own guns.

That there are “secret lists of gun owners maintained by controversial organizations” such as the KKK and the Black Panthers, and that registration of guns will somehow prevent this. (Potomac-inc.org)

That a person with a gun that isn’t registered is “armed outside the law,” even though no such registration laws exist. (Potomac-inc.org)

That gun owners are all ignorant and stupid, but nevertheless belong to a huge, well-organized conspiracy that exists to destroy the nation. (Potomac-inc.org)

That the weapons that are useless for fighting crime and defending against tyranny or invasion will be the instruments of this dastardly plan. (Potomac-inc.org)

That 10 USC 310 and 10 USC 311 don’t exist.

That suicides involving firearms are “gun deaths” but suicides involving knives are not “stabbing deaths.”

That even though all white vans and Chevrolet Impalas are registered, they couldn’t catch the DC murderers, because only gun registration will stop killings.

That “Weapons of Mass Destruction” in Iraq refers to an intact, armed nuke with a delivery system, but in the US refers to common self-loading rifles.

That an AK-47, designed in 1947 with a maximum effective range of 400 yards, was “designed to pierce police body armor” that didn’t exist until the 1970s at “ranges over 1000 yards.”

That there is a magic force called “kickback” that no one who works with firearms has ever heard of. It does not affect police or soldiers. “Kickback” causes a weapon to recoil, spontaneously aim itself at a loved one and automatically fire and kill them. “Kickback,” while never having been observed, is a huge threat to safety and why “semiautomatic assault weapons” should never be sold to civilians.

That a good liberal opposes letting people use guns to defend themselves and their businesses because of the benefits of crime to police, insurance companies and large corporations who can afford the loss their smaller competitors can’t. Only a “rightwinger” would support letting an individual engage in self-determination.

That we must ban guns with folding stocks, which have no “sporting purpose,” so criminals can only get fixed stock rifles that are more accurate.

That you should wait until a severe emergency to get a gun, just as you should wait until it rains to fix the roof.

That it is acceptable to overwork interns, who will kill a few patients from fatigue-based carelessness, in order to make them better doctors and save more patients in the long run, but absolutely unacceptable for a law-abiding citizen to shoot anyone, even a rapist or murderer in the act.

That the number of accidental and suicidal deaths by drugs should not be included in statistics, but the number of accidental and suicidal deaths by guns should be.

That even despite that, when the risk of guns is lower than the risk of medical drugs, it’s a “national tragedy.”

That with only 1 chance in 5 of facing violent crime, and 1 chance in 10 of a gun being used defensively, the risk is minimal and gunowners are paranoid freaks, but it is insane not to get immunized against hepatitis, which strikes 1:50,000 people.

That 1:10,000 guns will be used to commit a crime, so we must get rid of them, and only 1:1000 people will have a dangerous reaction to an immunization so we must keep them.

That guns cause crime, even though crime has been shown to drop in areas with higher levels of gun ownership, and to rise where guns are restricted. This is due to “other factors.” We should ignore those other factors and ban guns.

That a gun is a symbolic penis, and the person telling you this is a psychiatrist who drives a BMW.

That we should be scared of the people who own symbolic penises, but not of those who want to chop off all those symbolic penises. (thank you, L. Neil Smith)

That the Patriot Act, allowing the government to obtain library or bookstore records as “an important tool for investigating and intercepting terrorism’ even though they haven’t done so is morally repugnant, but banning assault weapons that haven’t been used in crime IS “An important tool for fighting crime and terrorism.”

That guns in areas of the world like Afghanistan are frequently used in crime, and therefore guns are bad, just like doctors in Afghanistan have a high rate of patient loss, therefore doctors are bad.

That guns don’t cause an increase in crime in low crime areas like Arlington, VA where they are available legally, but do cause an increase in crime in adjoining areas like Washington, DC where they are not available legally. The obvious solution to this is to make them illegal more places, which will make the crime rate go down to the level it is in places where they’re legal.

That it’s important to see that since the UK banned guns, they’ve had almost no crime with guns…er…well.

That some places have no guns, and no murder with guns, just like the US has no cricket bats, and no murder with cricket bats.

That “.50 caliber sniper rifles can bring down an airliner,” and a .50BMG isn’t very accurate.

That a single .50 caliber bullet can bring down an airliner, but the Air Force chooses to waste money on rapid fire 20mm cannon and missiles for this purpose, while the Army prefers missiles such as the Patriot.

That guns are not a good way for your neighbor to defend himself, so you should take them away from him. Or rather, have some other people with guns take them away from him, rather than risk getting hurt by his useless weapon.

That we are a peaceful society, and the way to deal with people who aren’t peaceful is to send police and soldiers to peacefully persuade them with guns, and not resort to violence.

That the “gun show loophole” allows you to go to a gun show and find a federally licensed dealer surrounded by cops and federal agents and 10,000 buyers, who will wink and violate existing federal law by not requiring ID, a form 4473 and a call to NICS before selling you a gun, and neither of you will be arrested for the attempt.

That the “gun show loophole” allows you to go to a gun show and buy other things without a waiting period–like ammo, cleaning kits and books.

That the firearms industry is “unregulated.” (http://www.atf.gov/firearms/faq/index.htm) (And that’s just the FAQ.)

That fighting against a mugger makes one a “mercenary, fighting for money.”

That the Army could save a lot of money taking the precision adjustable sights and optical sights off M16s, since they are “designed to b